Walking on thin water

Before I joined the PC, part of me thought I was going to go spend 2 years in Africa, and gain a completely different perspective on life. I thought maybe I would live without electricity or running water, or any modern convenience and gain absolute appreciation for the life I lived in the US. I thought I might see poverty and sickness beyond anything I had ever imagined. I guess you could say these were all expectations I had deep down...and I should have listened from the beginning...Have no expectations.

Because here I am, almost 3 months into living in a country completely by myself. However, I live in a 2 bedroom house with electricity and running water, and a shopping center/mall 10 minutes away. Although some of my expectations werent completely off, I have to admit this isnt how I thought I would be living when I joined the PC. Now, dont get me wrong-electricity and running water are two VERY great things. But perhaps, those things that I had once thought I was going to get out of the PC, arent really what im going to get out of it at all. I find myself working in an office, dealing with protocol, time management, and organizational skills.

I've currently hit a rough patch, wall, slump, whatever you want to call it. I just know that happiness definitely wont be found in any of those definitions; instead I'm experiencing a whole other range of emotions. I find myself wanting to cry at least once a day, and find that to be completely un-characteristic of myself. My mom offered me some advice: Look for absurdities and humor in situations. Let me tell you-I'm looking but I sure as heck ain't seeing. (Minus one text I got from a fellow PCV, who is also struggling, that said she left 2 pairs of shoes outside to dry out and woke up in the morning to find chickens not only around them-but filled with chicken poop! I couldnt help buy laugh hysterically, but it also wasn't my experience.)

It's hard for me to explain exactly what's going on that's making me so upset, because 1. family and friends at home won't quite understand, and I probably only sound like I'm complaining and 2. Sometimes I don't even know. So please forgive me for not going into detail about everything that is bothering me, plus I'm trying to stay positive.

I have been fortunate enough to have a friend here that is also struggling a bit, so we text each other everyday. We've both been trying to support each other and find the positives in each others situations. I have also been leaning on the Peer Support Diversity Network (PSDN), which is a group of PCV's in Botswana that can be called at anytime and you can vent, cry, laugh, or just plain talk to an individual with confidentiality and trust. The PSDN member I have been speaking to has helped out tremendously, and definitely helped me get through this week.

So, I think a lot of my negativity stems from the fact that I dont realize how stressed and overwhelmed I am. I mean, I don't do anything all day, but what I dont realize is that I am doing A LOT. These past few weeks have been busy because we just received funding for events and we're making up for events that didnt happen in April and May. So I have had to work the past 2 weekends, both Saturdays and Sundays. And the events usually go from about 7am-4pm. So since I've been here, I havent really had a chance to decompress and just be alone in my house. Ive had a few moments here and there, but really I've just been working. Ive been wearing myself thin, without even realizing it. Because on a day-to-day basis, I dont feel used, needed or accomplished. And I think a big step towards making myself happier, is to get out of the office! So today I took a big leap--as suggested, I told my co-workers, I did not ask. So today, I left the office around lunch time, went to visit a rehabilitation center to see what kinds of services they offered, and then I finally took some time for myself. I think this is going to be KEY in how I need to handle things.

I also think I am struggling, because I am having a hard time seeing the future, a happier me. I still dont really see what I'm here to do, or know what I want to do, so its hard for me to strive towards something I just cant see. As I said before, I just dont know where my heart is right now.

One of the PSDN members I am talking to, said something that really clicked in my head. The behaviors and things that are bothering me now, arent necessarily going to change. I'm going to adapt. So the fact that just about every event or meeting that I have been to, has started at least 2 hours late...probably isnt going to change. Im going to adjust. And lets hope the same for the fact that everything gets put to the day or minute before, despite the fact that we sat around for days doing nothing beforehand. (And for those at home who know that for me, being on time is being 5 minutes early...know that this is going to be a HUGE adjustment and I find it absolutely MIND BOGGLING!!!) I can only hope I will instill a littttllle sense of time management and organizational/planning skills during my time here.

As of yesterday, I wanted to be on the next flight home. Now dont get me wrong, the idea of that still sounds absolutely wonderful...but I am trying to put it on the back burner. I have a feeling it's going to linger for awhile, but after talking to several people, I'm really going to try to stick it out, ONE week at a time. I cant guarantee that I'll last, but I really am trying. The email that I sent home(to some), was not easy for me to write, but I appreciate all the support and love that I received. I am a strong individual because of the backbone that my friends and family have created for me.